DerDiver - Recruiting with a sense of humor.
Hey Guys, Advice on Interviewing; A Satire

Hey Guys, Advice on Interviewing; A Satire

No enemy is worse than bad advice - Sophocles

You probably never heard of Bruce Hurowitz or maybe you have.  Either way no matter, this post is not about his misogynistic, blame the victim of rape advice he posted on LinkedIn or his total resistance to even trying to offer a mia culpa afterword.  I used to think that Liz Ryan was the only, used to be a recruiter for a month 20 years ago idiot doling out bad advice like a Pez dispenser yet up from the primordial ooze of the consulting world came the Napoleonic complex addled mind Bruce and his so called help for ladies who are interviewing. The point of this post is not to call either of these “consultants” out, it’s been done already, thank you, Amy Miller I have zero interest in keeping them on the public stage. Nope, this will be a little satirical piece for my brothers and sisters in this profession written for the men because, you know, douchelord seems to only want to demean women and I am just trying to help the guys, and you know, you need demeaning too for fair play, enjoy. 

Really Amazing Interview Advice for the Guys

Offering unsolicited and often unwanted bad advice for 19 years! – Derek Zeller

Ok guys when you go to an interview, there are some things you just want to avoid before you go to the interview. You want the job, right?  Well, you have to play the game then.  I am going to share with you the greatest wisdom that I can instill in you so that you get that offer. Also, I am enough of loser who left the field of recruiting after a year and have been “consulting” for many many years so of course, I am current and relevant to all you guys out there.

Beautiful Suits

Ok let us start with the dress code, you know you always hear dress for success but actually you are dressing for FAILURE! That's right pulling out that Armani suit and silk tie with your Cole Han loafers will get you girl at the bar, but if the hiring manager is a man, and let’s face it, they almost always are, you are going to offend them. They are going to be put off by you because you appear to be more successful than them in that fancy ensemble. It is much better to go and get a suit at Sears, polyester if you can get it, to not have airs about you and putting them at ease with their manliness.

Beautiful Watches

I have to admit I am a watch guy, and since I am so uber fantastic and make so much money from my prowess in bilking people into thinking I actually know what I am talking about I have some high-end watches.  I would never wear one of them to an interview, though!  Why would you want to provoke that hiring manager when they may not have the money for a Rolex gold Presidential or a Phillipe Patek Perpetual, both of which are in my collection of course!  Once again you are provoking the delicate manager’s ego as they want to be the top dog in the office and will never hire someone who has a nicer watch than them.  They are more likely to want someone to laud over and in their minds someone they can afford for the position.  Seeing that suit or that watch will tell them you are pretentious and trying to show them up.

Wedding Rings

Ah marriage, the institution of commitment and showmanship of maturity. In most cases, it works in your favor like receiving better rates on car insurance or a better place to live since you have two incomes unless of course, your wife is a stay at home soccer mom.  If that is the case good for you and wise choice as we both know that is where she belongs.  However wearing one to an interview is like committing interview suicide.  This ring means nothing more than you are not going to want to work late or put on a weekend or to push the project over the line. You are going to want to go home to your wife, and God forbid, kids.  You will never be able to travel or go out after work for a dinner or drinks with clients. Also, you are not an eligible bachelor to the single ladies in the office that may want to “get with you.”  Now that I think about it lets talk about kids and what to never say in an interview with any manager.

You Are Trying to Start a “Family.”

Did you know that it is illegal to ask a woman if she is pregnant or planning on getting pregnant shortly? Of course, you don’t that is why you need my brilliant advice, stupid!  They can ask you if you are planning to start a family, though, that is entirely legal, women have all the protection, and it makes me sick. We men need protection too!  So this is my advice to you, never say you are trying to start a family, just don’t do it, it is a trap.  All managers will see fairies dancing on your head singing paternity leave, paternity leave, the PTO to run home to the little misses while she is pregnant or having to drop everything to make it to the hospital when she going to give birth. However, you are in the middle of a shift or client luncheon and have to run off.  Yeah, you are not getting the job my friend. Keep your private life private and even if you are hitting that ass every night just don’t brag about it.

 

Never Bring up Your Salary

Lastly, the worst thing you can do is bring up your salary.  At any point of the recruiting or interview process.  You need to hold back that information like you are protecting your very life! They don’t need that information to come up with a valuation of your skill set. It is so much better to waste your time and of course theirs during the whole process for a position that you would never take because, well, what they can offer is quite a bit lower than what you are making. If you are pushed into a corner on this issue, this is my advice. Double whatever it is you are making!  There is an excellent chance that you will get one hell of a pay raise! If you don’t believe me ask the one person who can validate my story out of the literally thousands of lives I have destroyed to make a quick dollar. 

 

Hygiene

I know you would never think about this but it’s a good idea to shower instead of just washing your face. Wear deodorant and splash on a little cologne while you are at it. You want to make pretty strong so that you smell great for the interviewers, they love that. Comb your hair, brush your teeth and take mints with you to chew on before the interview.  Remember cleanliness is next to Godliness.

 

You are Welcome; Now Pay Me

Well there you have it, the most excellent and current advice delivered to you on a garbage lid for your inconvenience and lack of understanding of how the real world works. Let’s face it you want that job and with the knowledge, I have now bestowed upon you the chances have gone from slim to none.  If you want you can find more of my drivel on LinkedIn or Forbes since both of those sites let me pay them so I can write craptastic advice like that fools like you will lap up and possibly hire me to completely stop you from ever being hired.  #truestory 

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